Fags and dykes...They're threatening my marriage!

I'm worried about my marriage.

I hear that fags and dykes are running around our communities campaigning, converting and breaking up heterosexual marriages. Personally, I haven't seen any going door to door in my neighborhood this year, although, maybe that whole Jehovah's Witness thing is just a ploy.

Is it true that when husbands go to work every morning, armies of bull-dyke lesbians are descending upon helpless Middle America stay-at-home moms; propping them up in portable slings and converting them to the joys of lesbo love? And hence, are their husbands secretly taking lunches at the local gay bathhouses looking for that special glory hole hunk?

I'm straight, and I have no desire to participate in anything resembling one of the many homoerotic scenes from the movie Caligula, however, I've never gotten one bathhouse invitation from any of my closeted male co-workers, or even that "special look," and it's making me feel, uh, a little self conscious. Am I just not good-looking enough?

Growing up, there was this gay teacher at my High School. Even if he had tried with all his might to convert me, I can't imagine that I would have found his hairy body and genitalia any match for the 36DD's of my forty-something home economics teacher, although, you never know.

Maybe I should write him a letter thanking him for never dropping his pants in front of me, because listening to the dying Moral Majority likes of Sean Hannity and Ann Coulter, if he had, I might be saying "I love you Andy" instead of "I love you Amy."

Maybe it's more sinister. Maybe there's some odorless evil gas that seeps from the bedrooms of homosexuals and into the bedrooms of heterosexuals that is creating what is now a divorce rate of almost 50% in this country within the straight community.

Or is there a selective morality?

Infidelity, hawking up your spouse's credit cards and surfing Internet porn sites is acceptable and forgiven within the heterosexual community, but a consensual relationship between two adult people of the same sex is not.

What would Jesus think?

It must be hard for Christ to differentiate the level of sin between the killing of 655,000 Iraqi men, women and children (reported by Johns Hopkins University and the British Medical Association - Lancet 10/11/06) in what is deemed by our government as "collateral damage" vs. the vileness of American citizens engaging in consensual same-sex marriages.

I apologize, that was unpatriotic and anti-American of me to question the actions of our lamb duck administration. Sieg Heil Mein Fuhrer!

I do hope that one particular gay right is protected, and that's their right to re-run old episodes of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." Thanks to that show, I no longer angst over my tie, belt and shoe ensemble.

If God fearing Southerners of the pre Civil Rights days were morally at peace with requiring Negroes to sit at the back of the bus and drink from separate water fountains, then their Compassionate Conservative grandchildren can show some compassion by allowing a few fags on television help us dress correctly.

In the end, what do I care, my rights as a white, straight, American male are protected, and right now, all this talk of lesbo love is me making me want to surf the Net for some good ole' American porn...lesbian style! I just hope they don't try to marry each other. The idea of lesbians living a life of committed fidelity really kills the buzz I get from watching them go down on each other.

God Bless America...